Public Service Dept.

How to Tell If Your Waitress Girlfriend is Actually a Famous Actress Playing a Role in Which She Falls for an Underemployed Schlub Whose Heart She Will Ultimately Break:

--Hordes of paparazzi flock at your front door to take her picture as she leaves for "work" at the local Olive Garden;

--You own a struggling, yet cozy, bookstore;

--She has an assistant who regards you with suspicion, cryptically warning you to "watch your heart";

--She wears large, floppy straw hats and oversize sunglasses whenever she meets you in public or in daylight;

--Frequent pictures in Star magazine of someone strongly resembling your girlfriend canoodling with notorious Hollywood playboys;

--She provides the poolboy at her Bel Air mansion with a generous 401(k) plan;

--Her publicist sends her an extravagant gift basket celebrating the opening weekend of her tenure as Employee of the Month;

--She invites female co-worker friend over for unexpected menage a trois; friend is Drew Barrymore;

--She tells you that you she is a famous actress playing a role in which she falls for an underemployed schlub whose heart she must ultimately break when you make a sexual advance towards her mother and/or brother;

--Always forced to take her cousin as a date to the Oscars.

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